AH. PUSH IT.

oxox

PUSH THROUGH IT is the mantra constantly ringing in the ears of the girl who grew up a tomboy. Toughness was choice, and though I’m learning so differently, I still find myself quieting that voice that says “if you were strong enough.”

Bad beliefs unfortunately can kick your butt over time, and this toughness, push through it or else belief has landed me in bed for a few months. Processing pain and leaving really bad relationships are a basic and important part of Life 101, but to a push through it or else kid, you think you can just hang in there.This undid me over time. So learning to think differently about this, learning to be tender with yourself, and learning to value my physical body is the great challenge of 2015!!!

Being patient with myself looks like just being. A really wise, wonderful friend recently told me to try being. Instead of stressing about what wasn’t happening when I was bedbound, instead of maxxing out my blood pressure, just try being. My first response was a weepy “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT” with a sage-like response of “you don’t have to. You don’t have to DO anything.” Oh God! A messy, real relationship with a beautiful God who doesn’t expect me to haul ass from point A to point B? Insane!

So I’m trying! It feels laughable! I try to be and try not to try 🙂 I’m learning to not live in my head. I’m learning to let people see me as I am. It’s the most liberating and risky thing I’ve done in a long time.

And to value that physical body? The body I believed was “fleshly” and evil for years? EEKS. I find it funny that when I didn’t pay attention to my physical needs for a few years, my body literally stopped me in my tracks. That’s how powerful it is! IT’S SO GOOD and made so well! So learning to not be mad at my bod that I”m sick and exhausted makes more sense than anything. I think I’d like to arrange a long meeting between my heart and head.

So life is good!! Resting is weird! I don’t like it and I like it. The wise words of Salt-n-Peppa “AH. PUSH IT,” kind of don’t apply anymore. So we’ll see how that goes!

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