Risk sounds so great, right? It sounds like climbing mountains, pursuing passions, taking chances in relationships. IT SOUNDS SO FUN! So why is the decision process such a cataclysmic time? I’m facing several choices about where I’d like to go in life. I have a vision, and I’m making choices right now about which option I’d like to pursue first. What risks are involved, the rewards, and what do I want? When the only certainty is you’re ready to go, the journey gets a little messy.
I want to return to California so badly, a place I loved and was loved so much! It was heavenly, and hellacious at times! The last time I went to California to go to school I arrived in May, four months before school started knowing five people, and felt this was an excellent idea. It was such a painful time being away from everyone I knew in Ohio and felt like getting ripped apart as I adjusted to the realities of building from the ground up somewhere new.
So I face a similar choice now, where I can so easily leave whenever I want. The memory of past pain keeps my heart on the fence about risking getting there, having everything different, being extremely disappointed, and walking around in 100 degree heat. I feel left with few options, wanting to see people I love a lot, fearing it will all be different, and I’ll be the girl alone in the hot apartment again!
Or I could casually go to Africa, do some mission work, love it, die of happiness, and 3 months later…go back home? Nooo thanks. Anywhere that ends where I started makes me feel like a hamster getting thrown around a little treadmill. Circles circles circles. I don’t think my current city is home. So what do you do with things that end? Endings are beginnings right?
So now I”m weighing my choices, crying, facing fear, talking it out, and letting it lie. When it comes to what I want things get complicated because I genuinely want it all. I want a family, a hot husband, one million friends, a creative career, a beaut house, pretty things, and a mission field (dirt, babies, passion, etc.) How that’s going to happen I have no idea:)…But it sounds presh and I want to start walking into it. I feel like I can spend time on the sidelines or get into the freakin game. LET ME INTO THE FREAKIN GAME! Which game? EH!